Long before I discovered the law of attraction, there’s one word I’d use to describe my relationships, both romantic and friendships – horrendous. Reflecting on my teens and twenties, I always felt uncomfortable, disconnected and sensitive. Suffering massively from social anxiety, I was constantly worried about what others thought of me. I lacked confidence and never showed up as myself but rather as who I thought was more acceptable to others. I wore a very uncomfortable mask that did not fit me well at all.

I’d suffered an emotionally-abusive relationship with my father through my childhood and teens – he was jealous and possessive of my mother and alcohol was a prominent factor in our household. As I grew up, I unfortunately mirrored and modelled what I’d seen and learned. I was partying hard and relying heavily on alcohol and drugs. I was self conscious with boyfriends and terrified of being hurt. I believed I was a bad person after being frequently told off as a child. This was my programming.

In 2006 my life was upside down, back to front and quite frankly the wrong way around. I was a single mum, having ended an unhealthy relationship in 2003, knee deep in debt, with no firm career path. My inner voice was screaming, “There has to be something more!” I knew I could not continue with this destructive pattern.

After years of studying, manifesting and teaching the Law of Attraction as a trained coach, I now live a happy fulfilling life with healthy relationships that are honest and stable, and connections that are deep and meaningful. Read on for my expert tips on how you can implement the Law of Attraction to attract the relationships you desire and deserve:

Then came the thunder-bolt moment. In 2006 I discovered The Law of Attraction, having read a magazine review of The Secret by Rhonda Byrne. The idea that, “what man can perceive. man can achieve” resonated with me on a profound level and I saw it as a way out of my past turmoil. Finally. From then on I became the creator of my reality. All I had to do was think about what I wanted, rather than labouring on what I lacked.

1. Focus on what you DO want, not what you don’t

As humans we tend to focus on the negative. If you’ve ever tried online dating, think back to how you may have been quick to say what you didn’t like about someone’s profile or photo, often unwittingly turning the whole process into a negative practice. Become clear in what you want from relationships but KNOW that you have to put the work in to get the results you want, remember: “where focus goes, energy flows”. To get the most out of connections and to ensure healthy longevity, ask yourself, “How am I showing up? How can I show up differently if I aim to let go of my previous experiences so I can experience more of what I want?”

Know that if you do what you always did, you’ll get what you always got. Make a pact with yourself to let go of negative relationship patterns in order to attract more of what you desire. Believe you deserve fulfilling relationships.

What to do next: Take some time to write down values that are important to you. For me it was openness, communication, honesty and safety. I let go of the limiting beliefs I had developed as a child, and instead focused on what I wanted in my life going forward. Now use these as your blueprint for your future happiness – put your energy into channelling these values into your life, via your relationships. Ask yourself if a relationship that may have fizzled meets these values? If not it may be time to move on. Align your thoughts so that they are congruent with your desired destination.

2. Choose Love

Once you are clear on your values – proactively CHOOSE what you want for yourself when you are in a happy relationship, and CHOOSE to believe you deserve it. Paint a clear picture of happy fulfilling relationships in your mind – what does it mean to you – what does it look like? How do you want to feel in a new relationship? At this point, you may become aware of past blocks – stopping you from moving forward which is where some healing work can come into play. Implement a daily meditation practice where you imagine those blocks in a large helium balloon floating away. Know that they no longer serve you. Acknowledge them, and let them go.

What to do next: Make a pact with yourself to make NEW choices, Ask yourself, “How can I choose differently in order to avoid past mistakes and attract the types of relationships I want.” Note down in a journal how you CHOOSE to feel in a new relationship. What do you CHOOSE to have in your life to fulfil you? Remember you are in the driving seat, you make the choices. Pepper your desk or mirror with Post-it notes saying, “I CHOOSE…” followed by your desires. Surround yourself with your own choices – make them your daily mantra in order to manifest them. As we change and evolve with our new choices – we will naturally attract new people into our lives.

3. Be your own BFF

The most important relationship we have, is the one we have with ourselves and yet, we often talk to ourselves in a hurtful, negative way. A big step for me was learning to be kind to myself and this was fundamental in my own journey and spiritual awakening. How could I possibly attract a loving relationship into my own life if I didn’t love myself? The level of love we give ourselves is the level of love we attract from others. How can you choose to love yourself a little more?

What to do next: Make a proactive decision to become your own best friend. Become the friend you want to attract. Quieten the inner-critic by setting healthy boundaries and listen to and fulfil your own needs. Reframe your inner dialogue, so rather than saying, “Oh here I am, another lonely night in on the sofa” think instead about how to enjoy time with yourself, doing things that make you feel happy and fulfilled, This inner peace will help you become magnetic – attracting the relationships that are warranted in your world.

Published in Marie Claire